October 23, 2008
Relationship
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The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair With his secretary.
One day they went to her place And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time For the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child He had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘Not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated, And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part He had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician Commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase, And took it home
‘I have something to show You won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, Her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied,
‘now just rest and let the poison work.’
September 24, 2008
Relationship
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Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, then it’s our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we would hopefully like to have dinner with.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One … men will screw anything.
What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!
What’s the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need … A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He’s breathing.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows … it’s never been done.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Some part its unfair, but thanks to Anuskha she send me a whole list about men (are you a men hater/lover girl)
:P $-)
September 5, 2008
Relationship
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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared
on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will
grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around
the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is
all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will
never come again.
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband
became 92 years old.
Many thanks to Christine…luvugirl.
August 28, 2008
Relationship
1 Comment
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
